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Kay Patton
11 years ago

Missing you as always met a nice lady it seems and dating her. She would like to move in with me but I told her just too soon. We really do not know each other and I just got house back and still need to fix it up the way I always wanted it to look. Plus I have bills I need to take care of. I know she living with her daughter in trailer park has been hard living for her and also just want to make sure I am not a escape to a little better living. Just cautious after picking a wrong one years ago Erika walked right into a player and thinking I guess I thought being needed by someone would give me purpose. So this time around I want to ensure I will not fall for wrong reason of someone I think needs me. So different in dating now days Erika. So many needy people hard to tell if they need you because they love you. Just was so much easier falling in love with you. E ven after a 13 year break up with Nancy and of all because of her cheating and lies it still did not have me pause when I met you. I just Knew as my poem said. I just knew you were the one. Missing you My Erika love you forever and a day. Your Kay

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Kay Patton
11 years ago

5 Years and I miss you my Erika just as much and love you all the same. I hope you see mom and tell her I miss her. Got the house Thank You baby! Now to be blessed with funds to pay extra on bills to be ok again. Dating but nothing special just players and people problems. be so easy if you had not passed before me. What abut the cancer news? What a surprise! :-) Ox Love you baby very much.

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Kay Patton
11 years ago

I will love you all my life and when I die I will still love you through eternity and beyond. So true Erika you will always be in my heart and on my mine. I tried to find a stable love on Earth but they lie and play and twist shxt around. Only gives me low self esteem and my gut would hurt and my heart uneasy. Not like you Erika I never had feelings of ever being unloved. I miss you my darling your skin your breath upon my face and the smell of your overall scent. Wrap your arms around me my Erika hold me close please do not let me go. Don;t leave me pleaseeee don't . I love you forever and a day!! Your Kay

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Kay Patton
11 years ago

Oh Erika how did I make it passed another year with you my love. This for sure has been a very hard year for me still floundering and not enough money to keep me afloat. I know this is not what you wanted and not or me either. I can not seem to get a life and friends for me are not solid or maybe it just me I am not the solid one. Is that maybe what growing old is? Set in ones ways and not able to bend? Gosh Erika I have given and given things away and I still can not get stable. For sure this year something has to give, Life should not be so hard nor finding love. Maybe it is you Erika I can not get passed. You were so special to me and I hope I never made you feel less than baby. Please forgive me if I ever had done that. I give anything if I could sit and talk to you and you tell me on what I should do with my life. Where should I go? Who can I trust? I am so lost to it all so lost. I love you Erika my beautiful Erika. Please forgive me oxox

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Kay Patton
11 years ago

Well made it thru another Christmas with you and mom. I had moments as always that awful feeling inside of me deep inside. Sick feeling like something not right feeling and it is...because it is not right that you are not here beside me. I miss you so much my heart just cries. You ar ea angel no doubt. I can still see you all a glow and when you touched me...what a feeling of the best high I ever had Erika. "I love you my darling" I miss you telling me that and the way you looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes. You were the most beautiful woman I had ever met with such a singing voice. I am so sorry life was cut short for you my Erika. Sorry indeed. Merry Christmas baby...tell mom I love her and miss her please..I am sure she knows that and singing so heavenly as she does. Love you my Erika forever and a day. So sad ...missing you ♥

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Kay Patton
11 years ago

Sure miss you my Erika and no still no one serious just hard to go there. I have not found anyone that really makes my heart flutter and maybe never again. Oooh I had a crush or two you know that but nothing even as close as loving you. So no fair you dying so young Erika. Just still can not wrap my mind around it. How could God give me just a great love and then to lose her. I guess I should be thankful for having you as long as I have but me just being selfish being a human. I love you my Erika forever and a day.

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Kay Patton
11 years ago

Hi Baby I am in so much pain hurt my back as you know and wearing me down I need help here but no one. I love you Erika Please I need you so much life would not be so hard just not sure why I am so rest less here on Earth maybe once past this I will understand and be with You mom and all the spirits in the Sky! Hold me close in Heaven baby as I hold you close here on Earth! Love you always!. ♥♥

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Kay Patton
11 years ago

I love you soooooo much! Miss you just as much! Wishing you were here. My Erika my sweet loving Erika. To hold you and kiss you to just fall asleep next to you. The touch of your hair and to look in those beautiful blue eyes. ♥

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Kay Patton
11 years ago

WISH YOU WAS HERE WITH ME I HOPE IN HEAVEN YOU ARE celebrating YOUR LIFE YOU HAD HERE ON EARTH. ANOTHER BIRTHDAY ALONE FOR ME ERIKA AND I TURNED 61. HOW AWFUL I THINK I AM ON MY WAY TOWARDS 70 AND MY LIFE IS NOT STABLE SO UPSIDE DOWN. NO MONEY BROKE . I HAVE BEEN IN SUCH PAIN IN MY BACK ALL THE WAT ACROSS MY FOOT. DR SAID MY DISC HAS SLIPPED. I HAD A EPIDURAL DONE. I HAVE BEEN LIMITED TO WHAT I NEED TO DO. FELT BAD WHEN THEY ASK WHO IN CASE OF EMERGENCY AND I HAD NO ONE TO LIST NOR BE WITH ME TO TAKE ME HOME. i AM REALLY AT A LOST ERIKA NOT SURE WHY GOD HAS NOT CALLED ME HOME. THIS IS NOT LIVING ALONE IN PAIN AND NO MONEY TO EVEN PAY MY RENT THIS MONTH. ALL I CAN DO IS KEEP PRAYING THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER NOT SURE HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE. I LOVE YOU MY ERIKA SO MUCH AND MISS YOU JUST AS MUCH. YOU BIRTHDAY WILL BE THURSDAY AND MY HEART HURTS. NO ONE LIKE YOU AND HAVE NOT MET ANYONE THAT i CAN FIT IN THEIR WORLD. WHAT AM I TO DO BABY? WHAT AM I TO DO? WHERE DO I GO OR LIVE? SO LOST I AM SO TRULY LOST ERIKA. PLEASE OF YOU CAN BABY HELP ME FIND A WAY. lOVE YOU FOREVER AND A DAY. YOUR KAY ♥

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Kay Patton
11 years ago

There is a love so deep that when one loses the other the grief is frightful a fear I had never known and panic of what now? To be standing here alone. One friend here said to me that seeing me makes them scared to love and I replied awww but I would do it all over again to me love you My Erika. So miss you and mom today wish you was with and all was ok we go to ocean here and to dinner. Been nice to be with you my love my Erika and I so miss you Us and we. Those words I have not be able to use since you. Not that I have not tried my love trying to convince myself that you be at peace if I was here in earth but jessh Erika how long must I wait without you? I was Thinking Grandma live way in her 90's after losing her husband and I was thinking to live such a life a lone. I even feel guilty that I did not stay longer and visit her or write like I should have. I was thinking mom did not date either after her and dad split. Maybe I should be content in living my life alone. I know you cried at the thought. If I could just get pass the panic attacks and had where I would not worry of lights being shut off. Trying to keep my head above water here in this city and buried by debt, Does not give me peace either. You know what I am going thru aww I wish you could help me pull out of this somehow someway I need a break help anything to not live like this. So many times I feel like giving up Erika if only I had the guts to do it. I think if I drank enough I could. The darkness comes around me. I love you baby I miss you and love you forever and a day! Kiss me tonight will you come to my room and kiss me good night! ♥ Happy Mothers Day Baby My Erika My love

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Kay Patton
12 years ago

Cold shut off my gas and had to call electric they wanted to shut that off too so not sure how long that will be trying to hold them off and darn suv broke down had to take rent money to get fix then went to get a loan on it today to pay rent...still in pain and really Erika why am I still here? let's face it I have tried to move on and people just not like you! They play with one's emotions and joke but nothing serious. I try to be nice and make fun to try to not be dwelling on my emotional pain. Not like you Erika yet to find that true heart and loyalty even from a friend's perspective. Some calls me a player I crack up ...thinking at my age?? They thinking with High school mentality. I think with my ptsd I am not clicking well with others maybe. I seem to be out of touch. Sometimes Erika I swear I died and you and mom are ok. Because this world I am in it is not the same. House of things trying to unload storage and still in pain with my sciatica..too much and wonder why? Why go on really..no one would miss me oooh they say things about nice Kay but all in the end they would say I was happy because now I am with you...I often wonder..I had passed away once and thinking if I could leap again to be with you. The 7th coming up awww I hate thinking back on that day...that night....still a nightmare..oh my God why??? Perfect love you were and we knew it...till death do us part...damn hate that line! Came why too soon Erika we had so much to do here even with mom! This all of this was not fair to any of us!! I am really at a loss Erika..I really am...what am I to do??? Baby what am I to do?? I will be back here wed. Provided all goes well. Love you my Erika forever and a day!.

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Kay Patton
12 years ago

Another year alone another year without you my sweet love and missing you and mom. Rough start in this house hurting my self pulled nerve pinched still hurts but able to move around better and cutting my hand did not help. Kimberlee had bad start her son is now in hospital bullet in his head. Sad for him to come home from Iraq war to have that happen in his 20's maybe 24 or 25. She is so far from home sleeping at hospital and in her van. I do not have the funds to help praying for a miracle . She thinks he will not make it and like with you I told her do not give up don't. Be so sad for a parent to lose a child. Remember when mom was in hospital at Christmas time too? We did not even know Christmas had passed. Her passing away New Years day. First time you saw someone die. Thank You Erika for being by my side during that time. I wish I could be with Kim but can not get there from here and just in hopes him being a young strong man he will be o.k. In hopes Erika the next year will be better. Trying to unload this house so much but I just need too it is just so hard ..days I get tired and sadness drifts in. Dr trying get me on meds but makes me sick flu like symptoms hate it. If my truck would stop breaking down need it to haul from storage but sure can not count on a good mechanic to do the job the right way. Fuel pump paid but guy fixed it wrong and no money to pay to do it again. Can not trust no one it seems in this state. I want to down size so I can move on. To where? Hell I do not know but I need a life a place a home Erika. It all gone when I lost you. Help me baby to get on the right road to peace. I love you my Erika always forever and a day.

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Kay
12 years ago

We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey. Going thru our jewelry need to sale it I guess and the emotions of missing you thinking of you just hurts my Erika so hurting deep in my soul how do I ever let go?? How do I get pass this??? Erika help me please oh God Help me ease my pain of losing you my love! Help me!!!! Love you Erika Forever and a Day!

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Kay Patton
12 years ago

Moved Again Erika can not seem to find a place to call home. I will sell off most of what I have and by end of next year I hope maybe I know what to do with my life and where I should be. Had bad week again missing you and mom. But really not a week goes by. I think maybe because I moved and going through the items here at the house triggers the grief. Blair my niece was helping one day hanging stuff in closet ...she knew the clothes were not mine. Awww Aunt Kay she said and I replied I know Blair it is Erika's..I just can not part with it as of yet. It was your nightgown negligee set Erika that You wore on our honeymoon. So many items of clothes I have not touched and moms yet when I run across them instead of comfort I feel sick with emptiness talk out loud to you and pray that this too shall pass...this place is a dump!!! Erika damn instead of forward I keep slipping backward. What happened to that corporate woman? Always proud to work and have a job! Made me feel important and independent. Now all those hours invested without pay even at times for what? What reason working and transferring here even?? Just to lose you and mom and no one not a damn soul as a good friend here? My niece she has her own issues you know Erika when you are that young. I remember I always made sure mom had a special birthday my 60th was again alone by myself..alone again pity party all it was..like every damn holiday no-one no-body who the fxck really cares!!! Will I end up Erika being a old angry woman??? Erika where are you?? God Erika I miss you you were my world how could I lose mom and you sooo soon being here?? Just do not understand never will I guess...Love you my Erika forever and a day!

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Kay Patton
12 years ago

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear"

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Kay Patton
12 years ago

Sitting here in restaurant Another year close to our birthdays I am 59 will be 60 still no home or someone to love me as you did. Went to one cancer doctor will see another one next month they want to start tests from scratch again. I have to have colon check and miss you to take me home you know how they put you out but I check have to drive myslf somehow plus the ct scan. They sent me to mental health again afraid of me being suicidal but I try to explain it is the PTSD . How can I say like holding onto you while you was hanging on a cliff telling you all will be alright but feeling you slipping out of my hands and watching you fall to your death and not a damn thing I could do. No one to help me or hold onto me to hold onto you. I am so sorry Erika I was not a super hero as you always made me out to be. Jaminson posts photos of him and Greyson and Dylan. Pam is nice enough to email me photos of Dj and Jayne. I see so much of you in each child and Pam has a lot of your traits and looks. I so wish you could have met her Erika such a damn shame!!! I just don't get it!!! You are the one that needed to be here where I am not me. I HAVE NO ONE!!!! I am of no importance no pity party here it is the truth!!! I was off meds for a few months you know I hate to take pills. But started alprazolam. Have no money to fill the zoloft or abiem never took them before. My blood pressure always drops so when I do I hope I will not get sick. Awww Erika we should be enjoying life together happy times missing you laughing at me being the clown that I am. I may get the house back going to be sad going back to that big empty house.. You know I met Kim but God Erika she is not into me like you were. She sometimes sweet and more than not. Not sure if I can take it much longer with her. Sometimes I feel like cutting all ties with her and just let her pout of my life she brings me down more than up. I have had my share of heart aches and I should not be burden with any more. Too old too tired too lost too much in grief. All I want is to live my life see things before I die. I can not wait to be with you again please please don't leave me Erika I get so afraid you have went on and forgot all about me. Pleaseeeeee don't leave me behind....I love you forever and a day your kay.

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Kay
12 years ago

Another year close to our birthdays I am 59 will be 60 still no home or someone to love me as you did. Went to one cancer doctor will see another one next month they want to start tests from scratch again. I have to have colon check and miss you to take me home you know how they put you out but I check have to drive myslf somehow plus the ct scan. They sent me to mental health again afraid of me being suicidal but I try to explain it is the PTSD . How can I say like holding onto you while you was hanging on a cliff telling you all will be alright but feeling you slipping out of my hands and watching you fall to your death and not a damn thing I could do. No one to help me or hold onto me to hold onto you. I am so sorry Erika I was not a super hero as you always made me out to be. Jaminson posts photos of him and Greyson and Dylan. Pam is nice enough to email me photos of Dj and Jayne. I see so much of you in each child and Pam has a lot of your traits and looks. I so wish you could have met her Erika such a damn shame!!! I just don't get it!!! You are the one that needed to be here where I am not me. I HAVE NO ONE!!!! I am of no importance no pity party here it is the truth!!! I was off meds for a few months you know I hate to take pills. But started alprazolam. Have no money to fill the zoloft or abiem never took them before. My blood pressure always drops so when I do I hope I will not get sick. Awww Erika we should be enjoying life together happy times missing you laughing at me being the clown that I am. I may get the house back going to be sad going back to that big empty house.. You know I met Kim but God Erika she is not into me like you were. She sometimes sweet and more than not. Not sure if I can take it much longer with her. Sometimes I feel like cutting all ties with her and just let her pout of my life she brings me down more than up. I have had my share of heart aches and I should not be burden with any more. Too old too tired too lost too much in grief. All I want is to live my life see things before I die. I can not wait to be with you again please please don't leave me Erika I get so afraid you have went on and forgot all about me. Pleaseeeeee don't leave me behind....I love you forever and a day your kay.

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Kay Patton
13 years ago

My love my Angel Erika I will never forget. You were the best thing to have ever come in my life and no one nothing has been in it ever since. There is no greater love than I had with you. My one friend said to me seeing me like this she said she does not think she want to love as deep as I have. Seeing the hurt she said scares her, but I said awww but CindyI don't feel that way. To experience that kind of love was a wonderful high. Higher than any drug I would think anyone could take. Maybe Love drunk high is what it is. If I knew Erika I would have fallen in such pain loving you. I know I would still have fallen to my death to have felt your love. I am trying to move on Erika. I know I keep saying it over and over and I can only go one day at a time. As the song say "The future is not ours you see" how true "whatever will be will be". So be it I say. Erika just don't want to relive that night. oh that cold raining march night nightmare. Strange I fell alseep and dreamed of you renting us apartment and Jaminson was there and you was gone somewhere. Then James was sitting on couch and his brother then it hit in my dream you had passed away and your youngest grandson came in . I told James Erika never got to meet him and oh look I said his hair was bright red like Erika's was when she was a baby saying to James. yes and only picture Livia sent to Erika of him sucking his thumb she was so disapointed and his hair will turn blonde like Erika's did when she got older I told James. Then Erika I saw maggots on the ceiling and walls and floors as I walked thru hallway of apartment. Trying to find landlord who were they because you was the one who rented the place. I drove up and down street trying to find the landlord Got to get out of the apartment and I woke up. What turned into a good dream seeing Jamison on this day to another nightmare. I love you my Erika forever and a day..I reach over and kiss your head..rubbing the back of my hand across your cheek..sleep my baby..sleep in peace..I will be with you soon I pray....Your Kay

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Kay Patton
13 years ago

Awww Erika thinking of you and tomorrow 3 years ago seem like yesterday. The pain the damn pain of losing you will not ease. Post trauma is hard to live thru. Each day I am alive and still wonder. Out if the house still have so much to get rid of not out of the woods yet because paying on storage does not help. No medical coverage so no cancer treatments and no solid relationship or friendship. I am lost still hoping to find my way so ready and have been to come home to you Erika. I at times do not feel you and I feel so empty then like day before I got on elevator and woman got off never saw her face and she wore your perfume how could I miss that wonderful smell. IT spun all around me and I felt faint for a second of just being absorbed thinking of being in your presence. I love you my Erika and I need you. love you forever and a day! ...your Kay

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Kay Patton
13 years ago

Well honey here it is Dec 2010 coming to a end another year without you. I am still half in that damn house and here. The guy to move me he did not follow up and now trying to come up with funds to haul the rest, House looks so pretty even if empty I can see why we picked it nice old solid brick home. I promised to get you a brick home and up high to keep from floods and you just loved it. the old wooded floors our game room with fireplace all real pine. Sorry did not get that big sit in kitchen but we was going to open the dining room up for that Oh wow how life takes a turn on us! You never as you say been able to reach to get that green twig off the tree. I hope in heaven you have that twig in gold! Your mom Erika I know you would say that old bat leave her be Kay and you are right Erika I reached for last time. I thought she has a moment of really grieving for you but mostly it was a pity party. Her problem law of attraction negative attracts negative. I know you be upset me living alone for this long and you know I have met someone. Erika besure to watch I have trust issues with her. We will see sad, but no one really has sparked my heart. She maybe more needing me I guess she does not act like the earth moves under her feet type of love I had with you. She may move here in Jan so we will see. Not sure how to act living with someone again. You know I like to share so sharing my life my things would be nice. Beautiful view from condo but does not mean anything with no one by your side to say oh wow did you see that? I was going to post your songs so jamison could see you and hear but never know Livia reacts she is one strange child. So best I didn't. Well they got their wish you out of the picture and those two I just get sick to my stomace when I hear of the boys calling your mom grandma grrrrrr God knows what they are told about you! So sad you did not even get to meet Pams children or even the third grandbaby by Livia. You feel me don't you Erika I know you are there you just afraid to scare me but I know all good comes to me by way of God you and mom. Maybe dad but LOL not sure if he made it to heaven yet! LOL! I love you My Erika I love you with all my heart no one can ever take that from me. I will defend you till my dying day on earth and when I re-awake you will be the one I see. Love you forever and a day...........Your Kay

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Kay Patton
13 years ago

I have been trying to be on my own Erika without you and it is hard very hard to do... no one Erika has loved me as you have and maybe it is me... not really being the Kay you once knew. I think she died with you Erika. I am not myself I laugh yes I laugh but cry more than I laugh. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and see my age showing and thinking why not just give up on romance and row with the days. I am at your age now when you left this world. Where in the hell are you Erika??? Where did you go?? At times I felt as if you are with me then at times I panic feeling I am here all alone and just do not know where to turn and who to? Everyone has their lives their priorities and I am just here having a pity party I suppose. Awww Erika come and get me pleaseeeee I want to be where you are..where is mom Erika? Have you seen her? Did you find her and your beloved Aunt Hede? I know you miss me Erika no matter where you are I know in my heart you miss me too..I just know it! Do you think Erika I am coming home to you? Maybe that is why I am not meant to have love for me here? Here it is so hard to find? Maybe? I had not been feeling well and maybe that is it! You know!! I am trying to move on... oh Erika I love you forever and a day. This is so unfair Erika to have lost you so soon. Too soon in my life. You are beautiful Erika and I love you forever and a day always forever and a day.......Thank You My Erika for being in my life and loving me Erika... Thank You God ...But God please don't pull us apart ...she loved me!! I don't understand God why do that to us here so soon on earth?? We loved each other and that is all we wanted was to love each other... I will never understand she died too soon....my heart it hurts for her...please God ease the pain in my heart...pleaseeeee

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Kay Patton
13 years ago

Happy Birthday my Erika I posted on facebook the song Melissa Etheridge - Breathe. It is so hard Erika I tried to get in a relationship but she ran off. I do not know what happened just do not get people at times. Plan on moving really no choice. Trying to move towards the beach and looking for a view, I so miss you Erika I miss us! I hate tryin to meet soneone all I needed was you baby. I love you honey..Please Erika stay with me I love you forever and a day Your kay

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Kay Patton
13 years ago

My baby Easter has passed another Holiday without you and still missing you and loving you as always...awwww just been a hard month as you know life sure has not been easy. You and mom as my angels you will shelter me from harm...I am hoping life will become easier this year and after. I still get panic attacks, and have no idea what to do or where to go....I just wish you and mom was here with me Erika...I just can not seem to get a connection..what is wrong with me?? ...Everything is out of touch..like I do not belong anymore any where..I will roll with what ever comes my way Erika I have no other choice...it does not matter any more the choices I have made for us where did it get us? ' Where? No where...I love you Erika forever and a day...your Kay

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Kay
14 years ago

How am I going to do this Erika with out you??? Linda is ill and praying she will not end up like you so sick. Aunt Phyllis just too much on her to see her daughter like that and God knows I understand as I told her it is hard for us to stand by and nothing we can do but be there. I so hope Linda pulls out. Everyone is praying for her. This time being on fb I asked for pos and prayers. If she does not this will be a very bad thing for Aunt Phyllis this time is the only time I wish I lived in Oregon just to be with her. I so miss us Erika. I posted a photo of me and just hate it being just me. I hate seeing I am without you there awww it just breaks my heart. Where are you Erika?? Where are you??? Please please help me. I know I know 2 years but my heart won't stop hurting. I get sick thinking of anyone in my life as if anyone wants to be anyway. You are a special woman Erika just to have you back this is just not fair!!!!!! Everyone says I have a purpose! I did my part. I worked took care of mom, sent dad gifts, when in need sent brothers money and found you the love I always wanted! So for what reason???? I love you and life here is hard Erika very hard..people just don't know..they just don't get it...I love you Erika forever and a day..Your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

My dear Erika.. can not believe I have not been with you for two years....no holding your hand..or the touch of your lips. It seems so cold without the warmth of your presence around me. The nightmare of that day. I still have a hard time getting pass. I shared a video of you today on fb since I never had a service for you. It is my way of trying to give you a memorial that I was never able to and also not to let your music die. Your talent was something to be proud of. You said my mom had the most prettist soprano singing voice you have ever heard and now I think of you both in Heaven singing. I remember standing next to you in church and you love singing How great thou art and wow I would think how your voice singing that song was like the mighty thunder next to me it was wonderful.....such glory to God. I am still feeling alone and no end to the darkest days and thinking two years has went by with my grief and not one day had I not shed a tear... when will it end? When will the hurt end? The thought of someone else in my life makes me feel ill even more. I had taken a photo to add to my journal of such grief of my first year that hard crying and not able to stop. In case all goes bad I want them to see how such sorrow and sadness I had of my lost for you. You suppose to be here with your children Erika not me!! I have no one!! NO ONE!!!! NO PURPOSE!!! If I had died you would have been the only one that would have grieved..my death will not impact no one like yours have. You have children and grandchildren that would have enjoyed you so much more to offer than I. I just do not get it. Life would have been better the other way around. I had insurance for you to start a new. I would have loved to see you go back to Germany or up by New York where you loved it there. I will never understand the why of this. My sister in law thinks because I have cancer God called you and mom to await for me but that sounds silly why shorten your life for me? No not buying into that. It is cold here and that heat pump runs and runs the sound is working me. I keep turning down the heat and it still starts up. House is too big for just me and no body heat. It is dark cold and lonely. I think this is hell on earth..I think I am there..it is such a dark place to be in... one I never experienced before. You can tell by my photo of how deep the darkness around me can get. I never knew that until I went back and looked at the photo. I slept most of my day away stayed in my bedroom and keep sleeping trying to find a dream of you. I did the other day 2nd dream ever of you and it was stupid not like the first where you came to me and hugged me. This was so stupid and I shared it and after I had I regretted I did...I thought I need to stop responding without thinking. I need to keep to myself. My ex laughed on the phone she said it was so surprising how quiet I use to be and I need to go back to that. I need to stop putting myself out there. I can not handle it as well as you could Erika. I have too many regrets after I share my thoughts. Too much at times and that is not good. I do not get any confirmations that it is ok ....it only makes me feel more alone and bitter. I need to disapper out of everyones life I think. I need to go somewhere ..if I can not come home to you because I will not be missed and I will not be bothersome..I feel when I reach and no one reaches back... to just drift away. I wrote to our Rev last week needing spiritual advice and no reply yet. See??? I finally reach and nothing..I apply disability and nothing, jobs and nothing...not for fb..I would think there was no world out there..maybe it is not real..what is? I miss you so much and I am so sorry Erika... so sorry I could not save you ..so sorry I let you down... so sorry about so much. But never sorry that I fell in love with you ... I love you forever and a day your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

Awwww in 2008 this time worried sick seeing you in the hospital with tubes coming from all over I felt faint trying to hold on seeing you Erika all that week. trying to keep calm and in control and a happy voice talking to you. Such a nightmare to see you like that...after seeing my mom the same way and I had lost her could not believe it no no this is not happening surely God would not take you too. Oh how wrong was I Such anger I have...such hurt..and getting distance from your family... Erika such unloving they are and I know you would cry from heaven over that alone...it comes with being gay and expected...I have no say so...no connection...no children to share... I laugh when people say we make this life a choice...no income from your death as straights would have received when they got married. choice...I say if that is the sacrifices of having no children, no grandchildren and no benefits of being a married couple ..go to hell as some says I will... I would have still loved you... to be with you the one I love ....SO BE IT!!!! I love you Erika and miss you hard hard week Forever and a day Your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

Friends keeps telling me " you don't smile in your photos" so I grab the camera and take God knows how many photos to get that smile Erika. I try to find humor within my pain and sometimes it will break out. You always laughed at me.. you said I missed my calling and you thought I was funnier than Ellen. I loved making you laugh.. Your laughter was loud and contagious. You laugh at me and I laugh at you because of you laughing at me. Awww Erika I am having a hard time. It seems one holiday gets by and then another wave of sorrow comes. March 7 is coming the wave is coming and I can not stop it. The Ocean swell of sorrow is coming and I feel the waves hitting and it will take me under again. " I am trying and Hanging onto the boat Erika. I don't want to stay under." Help me baby...I love you forever and a Day...Your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

Hello My Erika, I still hurt with emotions of losing you and days like this really hurts...I had my cancer treatment friday and I am in pain...I hurt all over ya know and with a broken heart too. ..I was sat down in the same chair you had sat in to get your iron transfusion...and I looked out the same window and at the chair that I sat in giving you support.....and it was empty..kinda had a pity party..tears in my eyes.....no one for me ..Today my head hurts..headache..crying...I posted your photo on facebook everyone says how pretty you are and they see how much I love you..it is hard to keep my heart open when all I think and see and feel is you...Cutting off my right arm .trying to learn to adjust to life and get things done would have been much easier than losing you....... I love you baby ..my Erika ..forever and a day...your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

Just loving you as always and so wish you was here beside me....awwww this is not fair ...losing you ...we had so much Erika to do together...I love you and I want to be with you ...no matter how far or where you are..I want to be with you. My days are still in pain without you so much sadness and emotions that goes with it. Love you forever and a day..Your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

Hard hard week still up and down awww Erika I so wish you was here with me. I cry and cry just can not stop! Why Why Why you rlife cut too short so not fair we had so many plans and I just can not complete or want to without you! I love you so very much even in death Erika...I need you and love you! Your Kay forever and a day!

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

You know mom died Jan 1, 2006 and I was thinking how fast time has went and I do not remeber where the years has gone..I just blanked out with grieve. I miss us all and so hoping I move out of here this year. It is a cold winter and I hate being cold you know. I love you and miss you soo very much. Started my cancer treatments again. Still seeking help for grieving ...I miss you and love you forever and a day my Erika your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

Merry Christmas Erika... I miss you soooo very much. Please help me come home to you. I can not stand it here...you know I hate it with all my soul..I just don't belong to anything or anyone anymore...please Erika...I soo hurt..help me stop hurting.I tried to leave the house and the truck will not start!! It acts like no gas...if it is not one thing it is another! I love you and miss you sooo very much...forever and a day your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

Went to a pot luck friday night just made me depressed more..all week end still in deep sorrow... I just can't do it Erika. I am in such pain without you too much loss...just too much.and it seems to never end....help me make it through the night...love you forever and a day ...Your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

So everyone is out today and I am having a quiet day no collectors calling but you bet by Jan they will take me down...home and all...but that is ok...after losing you and mom ...that was my biggest lost...nothing else matters. I so wish you was here to answer questions..the way stories are told it makes me think it was not the Erika I knew. I have to snap out of it and think of how we were and your thoughts..I watched more videos of us..my gosh...it seemed joking around I kept my voice up so high no wonder you called me munchkin and munch for short...babied each other as well as the grandbabies! I so miss us...the family.. Love to you and mom today and I am Thankful you both were a part of my life...Your daughter...your kay.. Love you both forever and a day!

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

Awwww Dan passed away yesterday... I told my counselor about my dream and she said she believed that since I saw you at a crosswalk and you crossed the street was like you had crossed over to let me know you was alright ...you gave me such high Erika awww to have that feeling again..I guess it was a good high as if someone was on a drug except all I need is you ..Thank You for coming in my dream it was so needed. Love you forever and a day your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

Funny I guess it was me... maybe reading more into things, but right after I left you the last message I went to walgreens and as soon as I pulled up lighted letters it read Honey Bunches..that was it except for price under. I know it should say Honey Bunches of oates but that was all it read....I had to think it was your reply to Honey Bunny...thank you also for coming to me in a dream. I saw you standing at a crosswalk and I yelled Erika Erika she is alive.... you was wearing brown pant suit and a light brown scarf like wraped across the top. You walked up to me... it was not sexual nor did we kiss...you put her arms around me and we hugged. You always gave good hugs. I felt so good us hugging. I tought I would wake up panic...but I woke up feeling good...you looked so wonderful and so happy and you gave me a really good feeling You know your best friend Dan has cancer and he is in his last days. I am glad he was at your 50th BD party! I hope your spirits will meet again and happy to see each other........I can see you two laughing it up! Dan and I have the same BD that is why you and him liked each other! Too bad he was not the guy you married you and Dan would have a great marriage doing your own thing. I would have rather been us and so sad we were not given the option. I still love you Erika...thank you for coming to me...I so needed that ...you looked so beautiful!!!!!!!! Love you forever and a day ...your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

I was thinking how we called each other sweet names.......I so miss us! How do I do it? Living without you? The world for me was such a better place with you in it..........I so miss mom too...I just wanted to let you know well I think you know I miss you so very much! Love you for ever and a day.....Your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

Not a day goes by Erika that I do not think of you. OMG what am I to do with my life without you? No trust as I had with you...so sad Erika...so very sad.....I can not help but feel I am all alone in this world...I should be happy that I am alive but honest it is not living ...I push everyone away....please Erika help me please...my Angel of God........my love...where are you ?? I am so very lost....help me find the way home. Love you forever and a day .........Your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

As we know Erika I told you we can not choose our family..they are what they are...but we chose us...each other...we..you and I. I never could understand. You are wonderful so giving, strong and loving that is why I am so lost. Like the song you were for sure the wind beneath my wings...I will never fly as high as that again as I did with you...I just do not know why..I have so many questions for God...as to why you never got to meet her...she would have loved you as I have and bonded for sure...there is no doubt. in my heart...I wanted her to see how wonderful you are.. as I told you she would have been in your corner! I just knew it! Are you happy in Heaven Erika? Do you see mom and aunt Hede? The moutains , the snow and the ocean?...Can you see me? Can you touch me? Do you kiss me when I sleep? Are you still singing? I am taking meds but my sorrow still comes...I do not think anything can remove my pain except you in my arms, the smell of your hair ...the touch of your skin...I miss you Erika and Love you forever and a day...help me baby..help me.. I am so sad without you ....Your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

Ahhh Erika I went to pot luck last month tried to be happy put on a happy face trying to put out pos energy. Here it is saturday everyone is out playing and living their life. Trying to pack still and just so sad as you know. How long Erika? How long must I wait? Help me baby get through another bad day. People says kind words but no one is here. Only calls are collectors giving me a hard time. I just don't get it Erika why?.... why?... you ask God.. I can not get a answer here and I even asked mom why I want to know why I lost you both!!! Why????????? Give me a reason!!!!! Tell God I want to know WHY!!!!!! I love you so much Forever and a Day My Erika ..Your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

Today would have been your birthday and I play this song for you baby. Now and Forever. So. us .We pictured each other growing old together. Who knew it would have turned out like this Erika I am so sad Erika it hurts...I still can not move on yet...I try. I play your rmessages you left me at work ...over and over. It was great feeling to be that loved . You made me feel I could do anything. Your messages was always there waiting for me .. telling me you hope I would have a good night and you loved me. You never missed a beat Erika even on your bad days. It was so sad when I went to work and no message was there...but I played the ones I saved and pretented you called. You know I am hurting Erika .. still lost ...but I have to tell myself you are here with me ..to close my eyes..be calm and .just let your love guide me ...such pain. I called your mom .need I say more ..you warned me but I was reaching...sad just sad. I will try to lay low today and think of us. I love you very much...Forever and a day. I can not wait Erika to be with you again. Soon baby I so hope very soon. I keep praying to God. I am done here. Let me come home to you and mom... Your Kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

Ahhhh Erika having a bad day again. Missing you.... depressed and extreme fatique. Cold today... can not get warm for some reason. I laid down looking at packed boxes and bare walls. Such empty feeling .....wishing I sleep and come home to you. I need you to hold me ..so sad and so lost here. Can not get the energy to do what I need to do. Maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day. I ate Chinese food. My fortune cookie read "Wish you a long life" mmm not like this I think to myself. Too sad.....and you know Erika... life goes on. No one will miss me like I miss you. You was sooo loved!! You were the only person I can say who really loved me . You were my best friend, I am afraid I will surely die alone and that is ok. I never want anyone to experience what I have. To stand by and watch mom pass away and then to watch you pass away. I can not get it out of my head. How can I get you two back?.... How can I go back in time and undo all of this?? So sad Erika ...I am so sad..Ease my pain honey ...help me...I .Love you forever and a day.!! Your kay

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

My Erika... I do not have to tell you the bitter sweet of yesterday's news! I am overwhelmed with emotion. Ahhhh but what timing! I guess you already know and knew I needed to have this closure for you and for me. You know I needed to know you will live on and your memory will not fade. You and I were of one heart and one mind. My happiness to know that if you was by my side you would cry with joy! You would be so nervous and anxious and just be so relieved to know you made the right choice. She thanks you Erika and she knows that you did a very unselfish sacrifice Not many could do what you did. I know it was not easy for you. Your love and memory never faded. By making this choice you brought much happiness to many hearts. It may not have been possible otherwise. That is why I loved you so. You always thought of others and put your self last. I look at pictures she sent and my heart swells with happiness and with sweet sorrow all in one emotion, but I tell myself you already know and you are smiling down on both of us! I will do my best to help fill unanswered questions. Thank You Erika. you answered my prayers..you let me know you are listening. Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom His love commits me here; ever this night be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide. Amen.

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Kay Patton
14 years ago

Another sad day and Erika I miss you so much. I wish I had someone to turn to that would not turn their back on me. I know you must be crying for me from heaven. I know you hated for me to be hurt. I close my eyes and wish we were in each others arms. How Erika can I go on when the world around me is not stable. Nothing is a sure thing. I have nothing to hold on to. Oh... the love of my life..it is so sad for me to be here without you my Erika. I will surely die from a broken heart. I know it is not your fault my baby you tried. Your body and the doctors betrayed you. Help me baby. I need you Erika pleaseeeee baby pleaseeee. It hurts so bad. I need a hug from you and tell me it will be alright. Kiss my head Erika my angel and tell me Everything will be alright..........

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