One year ago today my life turned from Love to loss. My God....what has happened?? I still can not heal the pain of losing you my Erika. I still can see you, the moment I lost you and the emotions, the sad panic feeling of being here and not having you by my side. I feel as if it had just happened. The year has not filled the void in my heart for you Erika. One Year Ago...I had to say good-bye. I miss you sooooo much. My soul reaches for you Erika and my tears will not stop from flowing. I can only cry as I call to you,,,can you hear me???Erika can you??? My darling as you said to me I will leave this world loving you. Erika...I will love you forever and a day. I will also leave this world loving you too.

Erika, I loved that you loved me so and I miss you. You were my life and my life's journey now is not the same. I miss your unconditional love. Visions of Your love is in the very depths of my being and calling to me through my heart to your spirit. 16 years just was not enough time Erika. Not enough...... Just not enough!! Love you forever and a day.

I spent the night watching you sing on video. I miss you so much Erika. I am trying to get things out of the house and pack up to move on. I just don't know where to go and what to do. I so wish you were here with me to talk over things and where to go. I looked again and still I can not get the courage to let your clothes go. I feel sick of the thought. I hold them in my hands and smell your perfume. Trying to inhale you within me your scent into my body and hold you there. Help me Erika to move on. I love you forever and a day.

Erika My Love, it is very hard for me without you my first Thanksgiving yesterday and Christmas will be here soon. I am hoping I will be leaving here after the first of the year. I can not bare the thought of being without you. Not sure what the future will bring or where I will be. The ache in my heart will not ease my pain in my soul for you. .. Love forever and day...Kay

Erika this has been a bad week for me and today. I miss you so very much. You were the only one I trusted. It is hard in today's world to find someone who do what they say and say what they mean. I am so lost without you... I trying to be strong. I laid here today and slept away most of it. Trying to find you in my dreams trying to get the connection. Trying to get you to give me guidance to help me .... what to do with my life? I was thinking how I would sweep you off your feet in the kitchen and two step just for a second as if we were out in the bar having a great time. You still with your great pose and we dance around the kitchen floor laughing because we would be out of breath. Cracking up on how old we were but our minds were still young at heart. How you thought I was funny and laugh at me always with a hardy laugh and I laugh back like you and we both was laughing at each other. How can I ever find a woman Erika to be a wife and take care of the house and spoil me. Someone to hold and hold me? How can I Erika?? Oh God Erika if I could go back in our life and have one moment with you just one day. I remember when you were sound asleep I would get on my knees by your bedside and gently touch you and pray to make you better. You never knew how many times I would lay my hands on you close my eyes and pray to heal you. So sad That my prayers were not answered I guess I was not good at it and I even asked friends from all over to pray for you. It was so wrong Erika we had so much to live for. Now I have nothing to live for. I look around and nothing. Not sure what tomorrow may bring. Just stay with me Erika keep your energy with me help me please baby help me. I am lost so lost. I love you forever and a day Your Kay

Erika as you know today is mom's birthday. Like you she died of infection bad doctors and as I stood there in non belief that mom was taking her last breath you were there with me. Both covered with gowns and our mouth covered. For what reason?? I know you hated it but worn it anyway and stood with me as strong as you always are while mom passed away. You kept saying Hail Mary Full of Grace over and over as I said the Lord's prayer. I rocked mom's hospital bed As mom walked through the valley of death I was with her as I handed her over to her Lord. Mom said that one day she will be with her mommy and daddy in Heaven and mom was such a kind soul. I am sure God granted her wish and she is at peace. I was so sad another rainy cold night Jan 1, 2006 at 10pm. We came here to Virginia from Arizona with such hopes and dreams of a better life. Who would have thought I would loose mom and you. When mom's birthday came that year. You were there with me and said that I looked so sad and the spark in my eyes was gone and how I aged. You were so sad for me. I know Erika I could not picture any more sadness at that moment but when I lost you too. Oh Erika it has been deeper than I could ever imagine. You helped me with mom. I had you to lean on and your arms around me and I can still feel your kisses on my head and I also can still feel how you rocked me like I was a young child crying for their mommy. Now no one to rock me crying for you. This I have to do on my own. You spoiled me with your love Erika. So much . So very much. I miss that. If you see mom give her a kiss for me tell her Happy Birthday. I am hoping she knows I am thinking of her as always too. I love you both and miss you both. Happy Birthday Mom and Erika I love you....Forever and a day....Your...Kay

As you know Erika our Dog Elvis died today almost 10 am. I can not believe from Kidney Failure. He was only 3 years old . Ahh Erika I could not bring him home too . I could not bare to have one more container of ashes of sad memories to look at. It was something over the years how you started to like animals. I know when we lost Maddie to Cancer and B and N took my Sheba for the wrong reason was all so sad. Now to lose Elvis right after you and having the same problem. When you passed he would lay by the door sad. Everytime he heard a noise he thought it was you and he would jump up with his tail wagging. I try to picture in my mind him running to you today and you picking him up and he is happy to see you. Please hold him Erika. he protected me and he always knew when I had a bad day with my cancer. He would follow me even to the restroom and lay in waiting to ensure I was ok. You know what a protector he was. For sure no one was coming into our home! I love you Erika. Maybe he wanted to be with you. It brings me comfort to know but so sad. I am having a hard time. Stay with me Erika help me. Love you Erika and little Elvis... Kay

Hi Honey...... I miss you as always. It is very hard..I am having a hard time Erika. Sometimes you you would say a pity party but no maybe on my birthday but, this is grief. I wish I could be with you ....I miss you so very much and want you to hold me...tell me it was just a bad dream...all just a bad dream. I am very sad today...I am trying to sleep it off. I need you to help me Erika...let me feel you near me please...let me know you are ok. I am alone and I hurt deep in my soul..sadness. I love you and miss you so very much Erika.. Love you forever and a day...ahh I cry so hard and tears just won't stop..it is not easy as days go by ..to me it is harder.....Love you Your Kay

Ah Erika I had such plans for you today. Great day for Virginia beach. I know you loved it so! The whole weekend planned. Frid,Sat and Sun coming home Monday it was a big occasion for your 60th. You said not to make a big deal about it. You hated the thought of turning 60. I loved you no matter how old you felt ...you know that. How many times I told you in my eyes you looked as good as you did when I first met you! I look at your pictures how lucky was I to have a beautiful woman and loving, sexy all the things one dreams of. From your head to your toes you looked wonderful!! I hope in Heaven you were looking down as I looked up today feeling my energy of love for you. Happy birthday Erika my love. I love you forever and a day. I miss you Erika so very much. Love Kay

Erika today is my birthday and it is the first time in 57 years I have been alone. Today you would have had a card for me with lots of kisses. I read your card from last year it read: on your birthday I'd like to Grab you and hug you and Squeeze you and kiss you and hold you and cuddle you and kiss you some more! Inside it reads Just like any other day! Happy birthday with love. You wrote I love you you're one and only Erika. The suprise is that you always date your cards to me and this one has no year and it was on my headboard. Title My sweet one. I guess you wanted me to find it. At least that is what I am telling myself and since it had no year it was to be forever. I wanted to spend time with you Erika today. Your birthday is coming up this week also. I will return and be with you. I love you Erika you know I do. You will always be a part of me. I still have moments and I am still trying you know that. I talk to you to help me with the bad days. I can not promise you know I do not lie but I am trying really I am. watch over me Erika and stay with me please. I need your comfort and knowing you are near. Love you forever and a day.Erika. Your Kay

I remember that we talked about not being sure if we liked each other when we first met. We found out that we did. We drifted and I wish we hadn't. Erika, if it wasn't for you, I probably never would have sang a note. Thank you for bringing that joy into my life. I remember how much we laughed when you would get really excited and launch into German. I had no idea what you were saying, but you said it with such enthusiasm! I would be trying to keep a straight face, then bust up laughing. I remember Pink, Fuzzy, Bunnies.... I remember when you first met Kay. You were convinced that she was going to be another "fix em and send em on their way" relationship. You had alot of those. I'm so glad you had that love in your life. I remember being friends.....I always will. I

Erika....I hope you like the site I have set up for you... still adding photos of good memories and the meaning in them....it was hard as you know very hard ...I am not doing well Erika...I am seeking help to get me through my grief but...it is soooo hard like now...I can not stop my tears from flowing..Oh Erika...I miss you so much....I need you...I am lost without you and so... alone....I can not seem to fit anywhere...I try... but , nothing.. It is a feeling of an out of body experience Erika like nothing is real....like a nightmare and I can not wake up from it. I look around and I look for you...I call out your name....I have your clothes still left out with your purse and coat and I can still smell your perfume...always loved youth dew on you....I looked in the closet and saw your clothes...my insides just panic and I feel sick ...thinking your not coming back...I even get faint...oh my God Why???? I needed you ....you are my everything. You thought you was a burden when you became ill and how many times Erika ..I said if it was me ...you would not think anything of it and that is what I told you...ahhh you were not my burden...I loved you and needed you I told you that...you knew...that is why you cried that day saying I needed someone...you was so worried of leaving me...I told you please do not talk like that and not to cry ...it made me cry...the song you played in the car that day..I'll leave this world loving you...and you made me cry because you cried and I told you Erika ...please do not say that...I can not bare to think I will be here without you and God here I am Erika...and it hurts Erika ... it hurts soooo bad......I am trying honey with your help...I am trying....I know you wanted me to go back to Arizona you had friends promise to bring me home. You did not want me to be here all alone....well....Honey what can I say..I talk to you at the hospital...this as was not what you wanted for me...... I guess you did not have meeting of the minds as you thought....It was just you and I at the end baby ...just you and I ....then me by myself...driving home alone in the dark..cold rain ....please stay with me Erika..I wear your necklaces I bought pendants of your finger print I bought one gold and one silver...so as I wear them where they fall on my chest you will always be touching my heart...and on the back side engraved Love Erika. They are nice. Your ashes are with honey. I keep them and see to it you will be with me when I lay to rest I love you Erika Until we meet again...I love you Forever and a day...Your Kay